sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
