apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
