It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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