you will always have a special place in my vag
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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