just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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