stop calling my apartment porn island.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
