It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
