Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
