the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
3 2 1 whiskey
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
