I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
