I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
