I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
