so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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