she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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