On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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