i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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