it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
