Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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