as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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