sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
