Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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