I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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