my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
