How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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