I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
