Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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