Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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