she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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