I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
