i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
