Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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