I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
