Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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