Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
