Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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