hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
