I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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