I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
