dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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