A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
