Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
