there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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