he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
