my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
