My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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