My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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