And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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