Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Randomize
