Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
