My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
