I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
