I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
