I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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