Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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