I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
