yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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