I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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