Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
