Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
